Ah yes. It is officially time for another round of babies to be born in my "Facebook Friend" world! Everywhere on my feed, I see new sonogram pictures, new baby announcements. It's a boy, it's a girl! Don't get me wrong, I am so stinkin excited for you and your families, but if you have ever had a miscarriage you understand what I mean by "having a moment."
We were ready. I was finally in the mind set that I was ready to be pregnant again. And when I found out I was pregnant, it took me a minute to come to terms that
this was actually happening.When I started getting morning sickness, I knew it was real.
So I scheduled my first appointment at a new doctors office. What we thought was 9 weeks later, was actually only 7 but we didn't know that until he got a better look. Doctor Thursten was seriously, hands down, the coolest OBGYN doctor I have ever met. I was seriously excited to get to meet with him as the months went by! We had the girls with us, and unfortunately the appointment was made during Jamie's nap time so needless to say, she was NOT a happy girl. SO, Sean stayed in the doctors office while I went to get the sonogram done.
The baby was there, small, but there. The heartbeat was there. All was well. I just figured Sean could just see the baby at our next appointment that would be a few weeks from then at our 12 week appointment. My due date was April 1st.
I was sick more than I ever was with Jamie and Sam. Nauseous and gaining weight, best part of being pregnant right? The day before our next appointment I didn't seem to feel as sick as I had been. I just thought maybe I was ending the first trimester and it was getting better. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case but I didn't expect anything out of the ordinary since I didn't seem to be having any pain or bleeding.
What was supposed to be a happy, exciting day, turned in to a sad, confusing day really fast. Luckily the girls were being watched by a friend so they were not there. It was kind of bizarre since I had only intended for Jamie not to come since I thought Sam would enjoy getting to see the sonogram but for some reason she really wanted to go with Jamie. Sam is usually excited to come with me so this was a bit odd.
First the doctor tells me he was having a hard time getting a good look. Not trying to alarm me, he mildly jokes around. But when he kept searching that's when I started to think something was not right. Then he found the baby, but he was quiet. He kept trying to see it in different positions but he couldn't see the pitter patter of a heart beat. So, we were off to a specialist across the street with the really expensive machine.
Filled out more paperwork, waited in the lobby. A happy doctor led us in, a compassionate doctor led us out. I didn't even want to look at the screen because I knew it was not good news. But I peeked over and saw the baby laying there, perfect, with no flitter of a heart beat. My heart sank and I started to cry. That was it, but not the end.
Then came the part where it became real. Only 2 days after we found out, we were scheduled to have a D&C done. I had no idea what that even was or what went on. All I knew was this was all happening so fast. It's like being hit with a rock, and then someone else chucking a bigger one at you right after.
Clock was set to wake up at 5am to get to the hospital for the surgery. I laid down by Sam that night after putting her to sleep and just cried and brushed her hair with my hands. The surgery would only last 30 minutes tops and then I would be in recovery but I hate being put under. It just scares me. It was hard to sleep that night but before I new it, it was time.
Filled out more paperwork and waited. Then they called my name and we walked back to get ready for the procedure. Robe and comfy purple socks, and an IV. Then they told me it was time and sent Sean on his way. As they rolled me in to the room my emotions got to me. I just started crying. They were going to take my baby away now. As the meds started kicking in and everything started looking hazey, I could hear the nurse telling me "Oh sweety, it is normal to feel this way. I'm so sorry." I could see the operating room and my doctor and then I closed my eyes.
I woke up feeling tired and weak, but mostly that I needed to go to the bathroom. Still a little hazey, the nurses and Sean tried helping me up. I remember almost being to the bathroom when I felt really woozy and fainting for a minute then coming back and throwing up. They decided I was not ready and we would try again in a little while. My mom said I went completely white and limp.
All the nurses that came in later kept telling me that I look so much better now, but I had no idea it was that bad! I was so out of it! Sean was off to work and my mom drove me home and let me rest for a few hours. Then it was back to reality. The reality that my kids had no idea of what was going on and for all that Sam knew was that the doctor was going to help me feel better.
The next couple days, I felt normal. No morning sickness, just normal. Sweet friends from church brought meals and friends sent touching thoughts and messages in our grief. The following Tuesday I was scheduled to audition for the Dallas Millennial Choir that I was so nervous and excited for, the timing could have been better but it went well and I'm excited to say I made it and am enjoying the experience.
Then I started to freak out. About 5 days after my procedure, I had massive blood clots just flushing out of me for hours. I was so scared! No one told me that this was going to happen. All I knew was that there would be light to moderate bleeding, not blood clots the size of golf balls. I called the doctors office but they were out for lunch. So I did the next best thing, I searched the internet. Sure enough, this was common for many women to experience after a D&C is done. I just wished I was prepped for it.
Sure enough the next day things were back to normal. Then, a few days later I started clotting again. I decided it was time to call the doctor so I called and they got me in the next day. I was weighed, and had my blood pressure taken. Then, the nurse asks me when my Birth date was... I was like what? She was confused and thought I had had the baby full term and this was a follow up. Then the confusion
really began.
"Was this your first miscarriage?"
"Was this a miscarriage then or an abortion?"
I don't like that she put "miscarriage" and "abortion" in the same category and I think my doctor could tell. He spotted me from across the room and could tell I a little flustered and he said to the nurse, "You have already taken too long. She has had a hard few weeks so let's get you back here and get you checked out. Everything will be fine in the system."
Like I said, Doctor Thursten is awesome.
I think out of all the sad, overwhelming things that had happened in the weeks before, this may have struck me just as hard.
As he did the sonogram and I looked at the screen I could see nothing. It was empty. Completely empty. He told me that's a good sign. I know that in this circumstance that yes, that means the surgery went well and their was not scar tissue or anything in there that shouldn't be. But this also meant it was over...it was really over. My baby was gone now. My Doctor left the room and I couldn't help but cry and then quickly pull myself together to walk out of the room.
Each day the world is a little brighter, and a little less sad. Some days are harder than others. I will have my moments. My moments of saddness. My moments of remembering. My moments of grief. I pray for comfort for anyone who may be going through a trial in their life. That you may find happiness through your grief and a sense of peace.
So know that when I see your cute new baby announcement or ultrasound pic, that I am praying for you and your baby to be healthy and I am so happy for you... it just stings a little.
In the words of that sweet nurse in the operating room, "Oh sweety, it is normal to feel this way."
